"Lord, Teach us how to Pray.".So I kneeled down, looked up with supplicant hands outstretched and oh mamma, it finally happened."Our Father.".
"Yes?"."Yes? What the hell!"."You called me didn't you? It's me, the Father"."Holy Crap, your kidding!"."No, I'm not kidding, you said "Our Father" and you just happened to catch me in the area.
How can I help you?"."Who art in heaven?."Well duh, you're looking up aren't you? Although, I gotta tell you, "up" is kinda out these days.
It's really more of an "in there."."So you think I should say, 'Our Father, who art in there?'."Yes, sounds better doesn't it? And that's really where I am."You're not in Heaven?"."Well I can be, but it's not an 'up' here or even and 'out' here.
I just like 'in here" better. Just correct it next for next time.".
"Hallowed be thy name."."No really, you can cut that stuff out too. I don't need to be hallowed. I'm not that insecure.
Years ago I told a crowd I was a jealous God, and have never heard the end of it. Back then, there were others gods around and I was kinda kidding about feeling left out and not the Big Kahuna, so I threw in the jealous thing. Well, that proved embarassing for monotheism, something I promote, so we don't say that anymore. I just told the 24 guys around my throne who sing 'holy,holy holy' to me day and night, forever to knock it off.
It REALLY get's old! So you don't have to hallow me. I'm over it. How can I help you?"."Thy Kingdom come?".
"Really? You want my kingdom to come? First drop the King James talk ok? Jesus and I talk that way to each other when we are goofin around, but not when we have some serious things to discuss. So you want my Kingdom to come huh? What's that mean?."I dunno.
I was just told to ask it."."Yeah, pretty common, but you know, no one really means it. I mean, and trust me, government leaders don't mean it. Cause I'd be putting them out of business and taking them off the payroll.
Lot's of company CEO's don't mean it, because I'd be eliminating their products from the food chain and taking away their incentive to screw people for bucks. And trust me, the Evangelists, Apostles and Preachers don't mean it, because they'd find out just how wrong about tons of stuff they were."."Really?"."Oh yeah man really! Besides, I said it was already in you.
I put it there because I knew you humans would figure out how to look every last place in the universe for me, but never think to look inside. So for the most part, they haven't found me. Cool huh?"."So you don't want them to find you?"."Actually, not for now. I have to figure out how to convince and teach them that their bringing in their idea of a Kingdom of Me is freaking scary and will lead to nothing but more trouble.
I gotta tell ya, Christian types who want to run things like I did in the Old Testament, and even after I changed my mind on some stuff in the New, scare the hell out of me. At least remember the Taliban for Go., well never mind. And I don't even believe in hell!" Just between you and me, they made that up to scare the hell INTO you! It's a control thing and they got that down pat."."So what is the Kingdom I am asking for?".
"You can't handle it son, sorry. But you'll like it when you come to see it, and you will. Everything in it's own time here."."Your will be done?"."Well nice try, but while you might mean that, but most don't even want to think of me getting involved in what they want.
I can't tell you how many times I have answered that one for people, and they just freak out. They don't like my will, and besides, I don't have near the one they think for them to beg for. The problem seems to be we think differently and well, they just didn't know that. One guy quoted a bunch of scriptures at me just this morning about me making good on my will for him. It was hilarious. He was quoting the old me, in the Old Testament, where I was jealous and very angry at all the nations of the earth and especially those bozo Israelites.
I've changed a lot since then. I din't have the heart to really 'my will be done' him. He can't handle it either. Actually he spent about an hour trying to convince me that his will was my will, but twern't so."."On earth as it is in heaven?".
"Son, if I did that, mankind would think they just crossed over into a parallel universe. Besides, apples and oranges. There is not much here I can translate to anything you guys could handle 'down there', ha, just kidding. I'm in here remember. I wish I had never meantioned the streets of gold thing. I was just kidding! Now I have to listen to all the Christian trader and investors hinting that they want in on the heavenly gold market and just what is that? I never wrote that, but I did let it get past me.
"."So give us this day our daily bread?"."Ha, Son!, you guys have all those bases covered yourselves.
'Ol Bart Simpson made us all roar in here when he said 'Dear God, since we paid for all this food, thanks for nothing." What a kid! We need to change that to 'give us this day our daily booze and cigs and chips and fries.' I wish you guys would all go back to daily bread. Then most of you wouldn't look like such little butter balls, staggering through your day, smelling like hell and having arteries filled with Elmer's glue. I've tasted some of the bread you guys make. Ewwwwww, no thanks! I used to give it with, you know, nice rain, great seeds, family farm stuff, but your big Ag.
boys have pretty much taken over giving you all your daily bread and the shaft I might add, so we can leave that one out of the prayer."."And forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us?"."Oh har har har! Now no one means that anymore.
If I forgave you guys as you forgive each other, well I'd have to kill ya! You are becoming the most nasty, lying, self righteous, unforgiving and judgmental bunch I have ever had on the planet to date! Seems the more you try to make the world like you think I want it, the more freaky you become. No, you best leave this one alone or at least don't mention it until you really mean it.".
"And lead us not into temptation?"."Excuse me, I don't. You are doing just fine with leading yourself. Why would I do that anyway? Trust me, I have a lot more things to do than lead humanity into any more shenanigans than they lead themselves into already! Oh oh, and I NEVER told the President to take out Sadaam! And I didn't put him there either in the first place. Wait until you find out that story. Har har, oops sorry, I shouldn't make light of what you guys are quite capable of leading yourselves into without my help.
So let's drop this part. It makes me feel badly to think you all think I'm behind all the temptations you just can't seem to resist. What's that? Oh, and Satan says get off his back too. He doesn't do half the stuff he get's blamed for either.
"."But deliver us from evil?"."Son, if I did that, you'd all have to go. It takes the evil to contrast the good. Kinda like 'ol John Denver, he says hi, said 'relatively speaking, you make me who I am.
mountains need the valleys like the ocean needs the sand.' What's that? Oh, John says that's not how he said it.Well something like that, but he got it right.
So live with it and just don't be a part of it it when you spot it."."For yours is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory forever"."Well no actually YOURS is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, but that's a nice thought at least.
Of course every freakin day I watch your human governments push for their own form of kingdom. What's with all the spying you guys are doing on each other? Actually the Power and all of the Glory belongs to fewer and fewer of you take advantage of your position types. Wow, if you guys only could see what's going on the way I do. What's that? Oh Jesus says tell your leaders they to quit doing the church thing and ignoring the message.
Although it's kinda fun when they pray in public to me, we're ignoring them too! You know, that 'what goes around, comes around' thing."."Amen."."Wow, I never expected you to really answer me.
"."Yeah, sometimes we pick someone to scare the hell out of and today was your day. Hope it didn't scare you too much.
"."No, no.I"m fine.
Just thinking."."Yeah, we hear that a lot when we really answer that prayer. It's a bit out of date and maybe you guys that do seek a deeper spirituality rather than just the religious thing, which really does nothing but divide and mess you guys up, should drop it.
Most don't mean it anyway."."Ok, thanks. Well have a nice day.
"."Sure, no problem, thanks for getting touch. Tell your friends what I said.
Well, actually don't. They will just make things difficult for you. Oh oh.still there?"."Yes.".
"The Holy Spirit said to tell your minister that, inspite of what the Apostle Paul said, it doesn't moan and peep and groan intercessions for people when they don't know how to pray. Besides, if he did that to me, we'd just all break out laughing. Just because Paul never new the human Jesus, only saw him in a vision in his head, and the Gospels were written after he died, that is no reason to make up such a thing. The Holy Spirit says it's quite capable of coherent inspiration and doesn't moan and groan to me. I kinda felt sorry for HS when Paul made that up. We have teased HS endlessly to do that groany/moany thing for us.
Have a nice day."."Ok, I'll ask him about that.and Amen again.
By: Dennis Diehl